39. Timing sucks
40. Life is messy
41. There are a lot of questions that don’t have answers
42. Only spend time doing things you like
43. Only spend time with people you like
My amazing, beautiful and courageous mom has begun hospice.
How my mom continues to fight every single day is unthinkable. Her battle with cancer begun in 2013. She was diagnosed with metastatic, stage four, ovarian cancer, and she didn’t even bat an eyelash. I was sitting next to my mom in our initial appointment with her gynecology-oncologist (gonc for short) when we were told that her chances for survival were good, as if she had just entered the Hunger Games and “the odds were in her favor.” “I’m going to fight it” were the first words out of her mouth.
"I'm going to fight it"
"divine intervention"
Unfortunately her cancer wouldn’t go down that easily. It took almost a year to come out of hiding after it’s embarrassing loss to my mother, but it came back strong for another round.
I can honestly say my mom has been fighting it with every ounce of strength she has. Her cancer is aggressive and I can only imagine how exhausting it is for her. We tried three (or maybe four…honestly I’m losing track at this point) new mixes of chemo, an immunotherapy clinical trial with UW Medicine, and a new FDA approved drug. There were a lot of ups and downs throughout this year. We would start something that would appear to be working, and then only realize months later it wasn’t as effective as we thought it originally was. Throughout all of this, my mom never gave up hope and I never have heard her say “why me?” Instead, It was always “what’s next?”
So here I am, back in Paraguay after spending 17 days with my family back at home. I bet many of you are asking yourself, “Why are you there? Why aren’t you at home?” Well… here’s your answer.
First of all, I truly believe that nobody in my family thought that cancer could ever beat my mom after they way she slaughtered it after her original diagnosis. My mother is a fighter, and she will fight it again just like the last time. I applied to the Peace Corps after my mom had completely kicked cancer’s ass to the curb. Life is short, I wanted get out into the world as soon as possible.
Secondly, my mom has always been my biggest cheerleader, she is the most selfless person in this world and she loves her kids more than anything. I know that she is so proud of me for getting accepted to the Peace Corps and I know it would kill her if I gave up this opportunity. My mom is happy when her kids are happy and when I was home she told me “I needed to go back.” If my mom had it all her way, nobody in my family would be taking her of her. She hates that anyone has to worry about her at all. She’s so strong and independent, and relying on other people for help is not something she wants to do.
Third, this is just another way of the world telling me that life is short. Don’t waste it. I don’t want to wonder years from now what would have happened had I stayed in Paraguay. No ragrets.
Fourth, my mom is always with me wherever I go. Before I leave my house, I hear my mom’s voice yelling at me to put on a bra. When I’m struggling on a project, I hear my mom telling me not to give up because eventually I’ll find my way. After I finish something I’ve worked hard on, I can hear my mom telling me to get out and go celebrate. I don’t need to be sitting in a room next to my mom to know what she’s thinking or what she would say to me. Even if I'm on the other side of the world, my mom is still with me, and she always will be.
Fifth, what a better way to stick it to cancer than to continue living life with my mom’s spirit. My mom has this plaque that says:
What cancer cannot do:
Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot conquer the spirit
Sixth, I have the opportunity to do so many great things here. I’ve barely gotten started, and there’s so much I can do. I’ve just started a pregnancy club in my community and weekly charlas at the school. Everyone here is always so excited to talk to me and work with me. Yes, if I left here everyone would survive, but I wouldn’t have completed what I promised I would.